Mariella Gattini

I’m going away from here, and it’s getting more difficult than I expected. I go from missing my house already to the excitement of the unknown. From the fear of losing what I’ve gained to the apprehension of a future that is going to find me older and more vulnerable. You see, over the years we grow roots, whether we like it or not, and as much protection as we create for ourselves from the environment. These, my Texan roots, are proving to be very difficult to eradicate right from the center of my heart. I know it sounds as an exaggeration, but the truth is that going away from here hurts.

Living in Texas has not been easy for me. This is a very conservative state, unlike me. Besides, I’m a woman, and women have a very special place in society here, one that has to do with family and church. I’m not religious, and my family is not from here.

In the eighteen years I’ve been living in Texas I had this hope, I thought I would grow older right where I am. That things would go in the right direction. For me, the right direction is a political atmosphere that allows for more personal freedom, especially for women. But, if I have to be honest, and I always have been, it’s not happening, not in my lifetime at least. There are too many people interested in leaving things exactly as they are. I’m a firm believer in politics, and in how politics can help shape people’s lives for the better, especially the lives of the most unwanted in society, the most vulnerable. That’s not the case here. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer, and the middle class is diluting fast.

What people want to hear is “Five Ways to Get More Money,” in the hopes that money will give them more security and more power. I don’t have that answer, because I don’t believe in it.

I don’t think that putting your heads together, working hard, and achieving something important in life should have money as a goal, because, if that’s the case, then the entire idea is completely twisted. When you have money in your head, it’s all you have.

If you focus on something important it should be because it benefits you, your family, and everyone else, but not in a trickle down spiral. The benefit is real and powerful when it has a positive impact at all levels in society, equally.

When you think about doing something important with your life, it should be because you want to add value and not because you want to subtract it from others.

I’m breaking away from my past dreams and hopes. I don’t know what awaits me on the other side. The circumstances of my departure are becoming painful, because it’s true what they say, we leave a piece of ourselves everywhere we go. In eighteen years you can leave behind a big number of dreams, wishes, expectations, smiles, hand-shakes, good vibes, bad vibes, sorrow, good moments, bad moments, three kitty cats who pass away in your arms, hopeful people who look at you as a possible friend, closed-minded people who are skeptical of you, neighbors who put ice cubes in red wine, others with loud dogs and loud children, rabbits that reproduce so fast and meander in your garden, Jehovah’s witnesses that target only your house every Saturday morning, big mosquitoes that eat you alive when gardening, the unbearable summer heat, the deep winter cold that gets into your bones, my little girl’s graduation from high school, her wonderful farewell speech at the A&M Stadium in College Station, my graduation from college, her graduation from college, her ideals, her dreams, our disagreements, our good times together.

I don’t know what is going to happen, the only thing I’m certain of is the love I can count on. The love I inherited from my mother, who hasn’t been able to be my mother for a long time. A love for politics that I inherited from my father. A love that grew bigger and bigger from every difficulty since my childhood, and now that things are getting more unpredictable day by day, my love is growing because my life has always given me the opportunity to choose, and every time that I’ve chosen love, I’ve grown a little taller. The sorrow of my coming of age, the pain of my daughter’s childbirth, the tears I shed after her departure, the disappointments I suffered at work, all of the above have given me the opportunity to decide the person I want to be.

Every time that I’ve chosen resentment, bitterness, the dragging of bad memories, bad things said, terrible things heard, I shrank and felt smaller and smaller. For all those reasons, I choose to bring with me the best I’ve been able to get from others, and from my own understanding of things.

I choose to bring with me how happy I felt when I was going to college, the value that many of my professors added to my life, all the good people I’ve met afterwards, the good moments we shared together, the interesting things learned, the laughter, the brief moments of true understanding.

I’m going away from Texas, and it’s getting more difficult than I expected. I thought that since I don’t have relatives around and my daughter is not longer living here, my own departure would be as easy as it has been when I visited any other part of the world.

These past eighteen years account for more than I realized. After all, it was here where I became a U.S. citizen in 2010. From now on, wherever I go, Texas will be my birthplace in this country. I don’t know what awaits me, the only certain thing is the love I have for all of us.