Mariella Gattini

A sunny day, a bench, a body of water as a spectacle of infinite waves. People roaming around as if they knew where they were going. Static figures in a never-stopping world. Nothing seems more important than being here, with the midday sun hovering over us all.

The heat starts to create a sense of urgency that nobody seems to care about. Where to go? We are here, that’s the important thing, right?

My stomach growls in fasting. We want flat stomachs, and for that nothing needs to be ingested. That’s the rule.

How to think when the body is asking for its basic nutrients to keep going? Where is the next idea coming from when there is nothing to nurture it?

Take a walk on the wild side, Lou Reed would say. This is it, man. This is my walk on the wild side. I love you.

The ocean is loud, fresh, inviting. I can’t have enough of its presence. I was born by its side, and we have been partners ever since. Unpredictable, dangerous, deep, intense partners, but partners after all. Ones who can’t stay away from each other for long.

My skin starts to burn, my face stretches to allow more water in from my dripping forehead. The breeze helps to dissipate my sense of despair.

I hug my bent legs with bare feet. I push my knees inward toward my chest, and I wonder—how long am I going to keep this up? This dream of mine.

When I was a little girl, I believed that everyone was born with a purpose in mind. This was before religion and all its paraphernalia. I believed in my bright future. And this is it, man. This is my bright future, believe it or not. This well-illuminated bench, facing a Pacific Ocean that made me believe it was my friend. I don’t know why I don’t run toward it. I should. It’s getting hotter and hotter, and the only way out of this roasting body of mine is to get in and refresh. Refresh, and start all over again. With no religion, no mom, no security blankets of any kind.

I should, but for some reason I need a little more of this. Staying, pushing back to reach the sturdy back of the bench, gives me some sense of control. I close my eyes, I breathe deep. I open my mind.

Nothing is more important than being alive right this very second, and smile. Smile big. People smile back. They are trapped like me in this infinite maze of dreams and hopes.

We refuse to believe that everything is random. That we are simple energy hubs moving from one post to the next in search of some kind of comfort that we call happiness.

Hunger is the motivation, not the means. Hunger for more to fulfill some kind of void we cannot describe or pinpoint.

Maybe deep down we know: There was no master plan for our life after all. We are just random pockets of energy bouncing away, and bouncing back in a senseless continuum.

The scorching sun has no mercy on me anymore. The breeze can no longer alleviate my sense of desperation. My brain is boiling, too. Too much has happened, and a day immersed in nature is not going to cut it. I need more of this. For some reason I’m drawn to the inviting waves that seem to salute me and open their arms to my soul.

I breathe deep. My eyes start to weep, hidden by my sunglasses. How in the world did I get here? I wasn’t supposed to fulfill my dreams. I wasn’t supposed to be happy.

But I am.

Now what? I don’t know what happy people do. I’ve never met one, actually.

I guess I have to keep going on my own, and discover what that means from now on. For the moment, I’ll stay here with the sun hitting each one of my cells. There is nothing else I’ll do. Or think.

No one will interfere anymore. Nobody will step in the way. Between you and me. Never again.

I actually like this. Being happy is new to me, and it’s all I need. In complete acceptance of this body and this mind given to me as the presents they were intended to be.

I get up, and walk toward the now menacing waves. I’m going to need some time. I’m still walking, with my feet submerged in the hot sand, which makes my steps harder to achieve. I finally reach the soft, fresh, cold surface of the sand kissed by the waves that come and retreat over and over. I keep going, the water is now embracing my heels. The sun wants to warn me. There is no turning back. There are rip currents that want to keep you with them. But I don’t listen. I keep going, the waves rejoice around my knees now. The next big wave, and I’m getting in.

The waves and I are one now. No thinking, only the deep fear of drowning keeps my head afloat. It’s true, the rip currents want my feet, but I jump on to the surface where the waves push me back to the soft, lustrous side of the sand. Covered by sticky sand and salt my body rejoices this time, and makes me smile. How stupid I can be! Losing everything, tempted by my old partner, the ocean.

I go back to my bench at Inspiration Point, here in Corona del Mar. The scorching sun is happy, too. We are here together again. No reason, just together until the end of times. My stomach growls again, my hours of fasting should be over any time now. Back to reality. A new day awaits with the certainty of a life well lived, and with a deeper appreciation for all those around, who, like me, keep going no matter what. We don’t know the end of the story, maybe that’s why.